THROWING SHEYD

True name: Azazel ben Shahjaza

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Me. This is me. Internet celebrity. Professional jerk. Constant disappointment to my family.

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Why am I a constant disappointment? Because I make money not by being a defense attorney like Mom or a porn-peddler like Dad, but I record videos wherein I harass strangers online. But hey! I make a lot of money doing that. Way more than I'd make as a paralegal or lower management in Dad's dick factory.

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I'm also the webmaster for the Danish Heights demonic support group, Demons & Donuts. Out of the goodness of my crusty heart, I pay for all the hosting stuff myself. But nobody ever gives me credit for THAT. Whatever.

True name: Shahjaza ben Gader'el

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My dad is kind of a bad ass. I'll never tell him that.

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So, on the surface, for money purposes, he owns a sex doll and sex toy factory. Now I hear you asking yourself: does having sex with a doll that looks like a human count as fornication? Does masturbating with a life-sized replica of a dolphin penis count as bestiality? The answer is... unclear. But it's Dad's thing so he keeps doing it anyway. For the love of the smut.

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Plus, Dad's got a pedigree that would make a priest shit. He's like me, named after his great-time-a-million grandpa, Shahjaza. Who is Shahjaza? Only Grampy Zazel's best friend, right-hand-man, and fellow fallen angel. And Dad's great-et-cetera-grandpa on the other side? Gader'el, the demon who seduced Havva. If you're not intimidated by my dad, you're an idiot.

True name: Lilith bat Lilith

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My mom has the kind of family lineage that is Hollywood horror movie fodder. Descended from a long line of Liliths, going back to the OG Lilith. Big Lilith. By way of Samael. That lineage.

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And you can tell.

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My mom is fuckin' mean. So is Bubbe Lil.

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And Grampy Zazel is her grandpa on the other side. Presumably, I should piss demonic success. Maybe that's why none of them will leave me alone.

The whole earth has been corrupted through the works that were taught by Azazel: to him ascribe all sin.

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— Book of Enoch 10:8

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Okay. You see that? That's my great great great times a million grandpa. Grampy Zazel. I guess in some texts he's allegedly a corruptor and all kinds of stuff, but really he was more like Prometheus. Except instead of giving mankind fire, he handed out weapons and lipstick. Which, I guess, led to warfare and fornication. Pssht.

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For Hanukkah my mom got Grampy Zazel a phone so he could text. And she gave him MY number because she's a vengeful bitch. So now Grampy Zazel texts me ALL.THE.DAMN.TIME to give me advice on how to be less of a family embarrassment. 

My mom's original grandpa.

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He's pretty chill for being the Angel of Death. And no, he doesn't wear a black robe or carry a scythe. He's mostly retired now, if we're being real. He and Bubbe Lil live in Key West. They never visit. I don't blame them.

But I call her Bubbe Lil.

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She calls me every year on my birthday. Tells me what a good boy I am. And then gives me a new Word that will help me get laid.

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When I say, "I can get laid on my own, Bubbe," her response is, "That's not what your mother says, dodi."